Something Old, Something Used, Something Vintage, Something to say "I do"
personal thoughts on redefining marriage plus 40+ outside-of-the-box vintage and secondhand finds for the bride/groom/person to be wed
One of the weirdest things about being a tween abruptly punted into the deep end of Mormonism was accepting that the three hours spent worshipping on Sunday, the one hour spent at women’s youth night on Wednesdays, and the hour long bible study every morning before school, was all an elaborate tradwife marketing scheme. Every Sunday school class, chaperoned dance, and homemaking night centered around encouraging young girls to visualize and manifest the god-fearing husband of their dreams.
For years I anxiously shut my eyes, squinted really hard, and tried with all my 12-year-old-might to believe one into fruition. And every time, for all those years, the only vision that materialized was a bubbly lava lamp of eye floater dust, bouncing around my imagination’s infinite emptiness.
I spent most of my teenage and young twenty-something years quietly fearful, making up obsessions with various boys in youth group to sway my father into believing I was on track to be a faithful wife to a returned missionary while silently freaking out that I was broken.
Turns out, I was just Mostly Gay™️
My mid-twenties were spent tripping stumbling staggering crashing falling into my sexual identity, standing face-to-face with lust, love and heartbreak while discovering what pumped the blood faster through the nooks and crannies of my heart. I funnily enough ended up dating not one, but two Mormon girls, along with a slew of other people of varying gender and sexual identities, solidifying that my boundaries for love were broad and welcoming, not confined to the box so many others shut their intimacy in.
If you had told me I would get married, let alone to a cisgendered man, I would have laughed very hard!! When I met Mike he was ending a many years long relationship and marriage and committed to living out the rest of his days, in his words, à la the bachelor years of George Clooney. I was deep in the throes of a call-the-poison-control-center-it’s-so-toxic (queer) relationship and fatigued with the idea of going back to swiping on apps given how small and incestuous the dating scene felt in San Francisco’s 7x7 radius.
We started out for a long time as friends and one day found ourselves texting, talking and spending more and more time together until we finally admitted all the deep, heart bursting feelings we discovered we had for one another. His love for me regulated my nervous system in a way I had never experienced before. All the mushy gushy gooey lovey dovey sentiment I felt for Mike left me to reconcile with the reality that life is a funny, mysterious thing and that love will find its way to you, sometimes in the way you least expect it.
One night at our favorite bar (shoutout to Zam Zam on Haight street), we tipsily talked about the traditions of marriage and how we both felt very “whatever” about it. We agreed that the only way worth doing it was being blessed by the King himself.
Shortly thereafter, we found ourselves booking a flight to Sin City and finding the best Little White Wedding Chapel in town. (The new best chapel in town belongs to my dear friends Amy and Victoria - if you’re looking to elope in Vegas, they are your gals!)
First comes love, then comes defining marriage however the fuck you want to.
I can’t emphasis enough how little thought we really put into it (lol), and while there are plenty of tiny details (and maybe some big ones, I hated my dress) we look back on and wish we could change, it really solidified that holy matrimony, for us, is whatever special treasure we want it to be, despite the whisper, hums, and huffs from family, people, society, etc etc etc
There does not need to be a one size fits all approach.
(It is important to note that I turn into a devastatingly awkward person when attention is turned towards me, which is another reason the thought of a wedding has never been appealing. When Elvis asked me to say “I do” my mind drew a blank and I immediately became Jess from New Girl.)
And while you’ll never catch us calling each other honey or babe, and the thought of saying husband and wife gives us the ick, we sure do love love love each other. And yes, being Mostly Gay™️ and married to a cisgendered man comes with a set of complexities and sense of loss that I could write another 10,000 words about but that’s for another time when I’m not tremendously fatigued from all the biphobic Pride think pieces floating around TikTok.
Wedding culture is batshit! crazy! out! of! control! and I am here to encourage you to do you. There are so many ways to express the warmth and sacredness of finding your person that don’t have to be recognized by the government or cost the down payment on a house.
Everything is made up and the points don’t matter!!
I want to see more weird, crazy, funky, stupid and cute nuptials taking over my feeds and timelines!! I want obscure dress codes and strange combinations. Give me Canadian Tuxedo brides and maxi skirt grooms!! Have it in a backyard, a roller rink, your favorite dive bar!! Have a wedding popsicle tower instead of cake!! The Trash Head bride thinks out of the box because they know the box is arbitrary and foolish!
And while I know people have families of all shapes, sizes, and boomer attitudes, I hope if you’re being coerced in planning a wedding celebration that feels more like you’re buying steak dinner for your parents’ 150 closest friends, you can find some way to have one thing that vibes exactly the way you want it to.
I’ve rounded up what feels like a tiny sliver of a million cool secondhand and vintage pieces I feel would make for a bitchin’ modern bride/groom/person to be wed.
If you’re attending a wedding this year and hoping to wear something other than Reformation, I will be back later this week with wedding guest finds. I promised them in this newsletter and then got very carried away….sorry!
Let’s get into it.
vintage schiaparelli tulle pillbox hat | lucite box clutch purse | pearl neck collar | heart padlock bracelet | gucci studded tassel loafers | pearl tie
crochet flapper cap | cache woven coat | whiting and davis snake necklace | gemstone and pearl drop earrings | antique skull ring | khaite studded boots | sterling silver birth of venus brooch
vintage schiaparelli beaded hat | matching snake print jacket and pants | sterling silver cupid brooch | mother of pearl clutch | mesh tie | peacock caftan | ivory piano shawl | mother of pearl button purse | vintage cache ruffle dress | schiaparelli woven hat | khaite slingback heels | snake print mini dress | studded western set
vintage pillbox hat with netting | mesh silver blouse | vintage celluloid rose necklace | handmade crochet pants | rose costume bracelet | j’adore dior shirt | bottega veneta platform pumps | burberry metallic jacket | gold mesh bracelet | 1960s burlesque cape | checkered mesh purse | gold lurex pant set | 1940s sheer lace gown
vintage yves saint laurent cape | victor costa sequin pant suit | black beaded rhinestone necklace | black satin cloche fascinator | vintage victorian bracelet | beaded 1940s handbag | black bow tuxedo dress | black pearl and bow back dress | black rainbow sequin hat | piano shawl collar wrap dress | tuxedo jacket with tails | black bloomers suit | rhinestone calla lily brooch
Let me know if you want more! I have so many sitting in my favorites but the clock has struck midnight and I must sleep now.
I’ll be back with a wedding guest round up and this month’s installment of The Dump later on this week.
Until next time,
xo,
G
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In case you missed it….
Emotional rn because this is so well written and I am proud of u for the progress you have made towards self-actualization while being yoinked all around the Kinsey scale. Staring into the asexual lava lamp of unknown desire at this very moment, thank you for articulating that. When and if I am betrothed, I take comfort in knowing I can be a Trash Head Bride in a studded Western suit at the Sure Thing Chapel. Love u!
more wedding content pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee