Reconciling My Many Yodas (Is This The Way?)
an attempt to find an aesthetically pleasing middle ground while being a human with *very* varied taste
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that we’ve lived in our new home for just a little over a month, and in that time I’ve tried approximately 20 half pint samples of paints and hated almost every single one the second the brush stroke hit the wall. Not only did I not expect it to be this hard to find juuust the right shade, but I did not expect the process of picking a paint swatch, getting a sample, and painting a test would lead me into a full blown anxiety ridden existential crisis on if everyone in my life has been gaslighting me this entire time into thinking I have any discerning eye or taste for anything visually pleasing.
I’m aware of the over-the-top eye rolly ridiculousness of that sentiment given all the chaos of life, living, and existing on this floating rock hurdling through space, but I said what I said!! I am not exaggerating when I say I’ve been crying in the paint aisle at Ace Hardware at least once a week.
It wasn’t until I was on a walk with Mike earlier this week, enjoying the unseasonably warm (ahem, terrifyingly warm, advanced climate change panic warm) Minnesota afternoon, that he said what suddenly validated this big giant messy road block that’s been gnawing at some of my deepest insecurities.
“Do you think the issue might be what you talk about with that Baby Yoda meme? You seem to be fighting with yourself over a few very different themes for the space.”
Which ding! ding! ding! Fuck. yeS. That’s it.
If you’re new to this space (which, hello new friends!) this is the meme I frequently reference in this space as “The Baby Yoda Debacle.”
While it is the nature of humans to have varied interests, I find there’s a good many people who slide into one niche they feel most drawn to. They are confident in their taste and eye to seek out things and interests that fall within that category whether it be furniture, clothes, content, etc.
I’ve always been a little envious of this, assumed that it might make life feel a little easier — more digestible. But that’s because society rarely embraces the person who likes almost everything. Maybe it’s a teenage goth phase, or maybe it’s just one facet of a very complicated, complex person! I find one of the only instances we accept the complexities of drastically different aesthetics is with pop stars and their eras of personas. But we all deserve to live the pop star persona life! Even if we clap on the 1 and the 3!
I am a human with varied interests!! I love dark creepy goth punk things but I also love British maximalist punchy colors and textiles but I also love feminine delicate ripped-out-of-the-pages-of-a-Jane-Austen-novel but I also live for that 60s retro vintage mod vibe but I also want to melt into an art deco 1930s dreamscape and while it’s easier (but still hard) to work out this varied taste in a wardrobe on a day to day, it’s a lot harder to figure out where they all meet when wanting your home space to cohesively reflect who you are and what you love.
This is where I’m stuck. And this isn’t an essay here to give you wisdom and knowledge and insight and understanding into how to navigate this conundrum you might also find yourself in because I really don’t know 🫠
I think it weighs on my self confidence because we’re all sold this idea that experts in their fields, whether it be sports or music or interiors, are all these insanely naturally gifted geniuses that constantly produce savant level work given that they are equipped with skills and abilities so acutely perfect, they always execute flawlessly on the first try. I immediately equate my current struggle with paint swatches to “I have no talent and no one will ever see me as someone who is a naturally gifted expert in this field.” But that’s also because so often, we never see the hustle, the mistakes, the fails, and the oopsies those “experts” have fumbled their way through to get to their success.
When I was 25(ish) I interviewed to be the Executive Assistant to the whimsical, highly sought after, very famous interior designer, Ken Fulk. And while the story ends with six (six!) rounds of hour long interviews over a span of five (five!) weeks all for them to tell me (in a one sentence email) I was *too* interested in the field of interior design for applying for an admin position, the real frustration was the way everyone worshipped the ground Fulk walked on like he was a Greek God of Interiors. The rhetoric around his success was that he just *fell* into the profession after designing a home for his boss at the time and everyone gawked at his beginner pristine perfection, unparalleled gift of taste and then it magically snowballed into a fruitful career filled with fame and fortune and not one mistake was ever made.
This stuck with me. And it’s really hard to un-stick.
If you need to hear it, it’s okay to be bad at something before you’re good at it. And it’s really really REALLY hard to jump over that “wow learning is hard” hurdle to get to the good stuff. But maybe that’s just me because I’m a stubborn Taurus…
I think the easiest answer to approach the next step of jumping over the hurdle is to say “fuck it” and go wild, (advice I’ve definitely shelled out in this space before) but for some reason I’m having a really hard time with that. This home is a love letter to me and a love letter to Mike and a love letter to who we are together. There feels this extra pressure to sure, fill it with all the odds and ends we love, but to also show friends and loved ones the importance of these walls, the reassured safety and security they give us in being a space where we can wholeheartedly be ourselves. I think if I were designing someone else’s space, the pressure wouldn’t feel so earth shatteringly “all or nothing.”
Some of the challenge comes from accepting that making this space start to come alive will take time, especially when approaching it from a vintage and secondhand and Trash Panic perspective. Not only is our budget completely zapped from fixing annoying booooring things like electrical panels and popcorn ceilings, but we aren’t simply adding a rooms worth of furniture to our Crate and Barrel shopping cart and having it delivered. When you’re fixing and decorating as you go, it can be hard to remember to step back and say, “wait, so how does this all flow together?”
I’ve been staring at our beautiful formal living room while writing this, swallowing the fact that it will realistically be empty for another six months. And in our current *add to cart* societal hustle, that thought really fucking sucks. Not to mention, we’re not doing any full gut remodeling because a) money and b) trash panic. In case you didn’t know, those gorgeous before and afters we all see on Instagram usually cost upwards of $60/70/100/200k which I used to think was an exaggeration until we spent $16,000! just! on! carpet!
There’s an additional headache of “how do I make this work and turn this into us” when there are five rooms filled with stock Ikea cabinets and bad subway tile. My brain has been in overtime because I feel like the solution to not ripping everything out and starting over is what can a coat of paint fix? But then it turns into — a bright punchy color coat of paint? or a subtle moody sexy neutral coat of paint? And then I melt into the floor and give up.
So here I sit. Attempting to reconcile all my Yodas.
I think the only way out of the doubt is through. I just might have to learn to have patience with myself and patience with the process. Which! is! hard!
So stay tuned, and see how all of this unravels. Or share your sage wisdom in the comments!
Until then, I will reward you for making it through all 1,500 words with some vintage and secondhand home goods I’ve been bookmarking on eBay and Etsy these past few weeks while watching Real Housewives reunions.
French Viva Las Vegas Poster / Celluloid Frame / S+P Shakers / Beaded Flowers / Dice Peppermill / Gold Leaf Pendant Light / Shell Bowl / Art Deco Rug / Cigarette Stand / Blanket / Swan Trinket Dish
A note to add: If you follow me on Instagram, you know this was supposed to go out earlier this week but my hard drive crashed. Since I’d like to get this out in the world, I’m publishing now but will go back in and add photo credits this weekend. Check out my Pinterest if you’re on the hunt for an image until then!)
I’ll be back this weekend with a Curiosity Dispatch!
Thank you for being here, I love you.
Until then,
xo,
G
Some of the best advice I can give you as someone who is also living from one baby yoda debacle to the next in every facet of their life, is to let the home choose which baby yoda to go with. What I mean by that is, having architecture and physical elements of the property dictate “which style”. It won’t always feel like exactly what YOU feel like that day, bc it changes, but it will always feel like what the house is meant to feel like. I hope this helps you make this decision.
love this, I have oh so many baby yodas in me 😭